Why being a “People Pleaser” isn’t healthy or effective
I’ve always considered myself a team player, someone who thrives on collaboration and ensuring everyone is on the same page. But for a long time, this trait came with a hidden cost—I was a people pleaser. Saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no,” taking on tasks beyond my capacity, and avoiding difficult conversations to keep the peace all seemed like harmless acts of kindness. Does this sound familiar to you? Or perhaps it might remind you of someone you know?
Over time, I have come to realise that my inability to set boundaries and communicate assertively was hindering both my productivity and my overall wellbeing.
As a recovering people pleaser, I’ve learnt that clear, fair, and caring communication isn’t just a personal skill—it’s a professional necessity. For business leaders, the stakes are even higher. The ability to communicate assertively and set boundaries is essential for creating workplaces that are peaceful, positive, and productive.
The People Pleasing Trap
People pleasing often stems from a desire to avoid conflict and maintain harmony. While the intention might seem noble, the outcome is often detrimental. When we say “yes” to every request, we overextend ourselves, leading to burnout, resentment, and decreased productivity. Furthermore, people pleasers often struggle to advocate for their own needs, which can result in missed opportunities and unfulfilled potential.
In the workplace, people pleasing can undermine leadership. Leaders who avoid setting boundaries or expressing their needs may inadvertently encourage poor behaviour, unclear expectations, and inefficiencies. Teams may perceive these leaders as agreeable but ineffective, which can erode trust and respect over time.
Why Assertive Communication Matters
Assertive communication is the antidote to people pleasing. It involves expressing thoughts, feelings, and needs in a way that is respectful to both yourself and others. This style of communication strikes a balance between being passive and being aggressive, focusing instead on mutual respect and understanding.
Research consistently shows that assertive communication leads to better workplace outcomes. Employees who communicate assertively experience higher job satisfaction, improved relationships, and greater emotional wellbeing. Leaders who practise assertiveness create a culture of transparency, accountability, and collaboration.
The Science of Assertiveness
Assertive communication is not about being forceful; it’s about being clear and confident, and knowing what your values are. According to psychologist Albert Bandura’s theory of self-efficacy, individuals with higher confidence in their ability to handle interpersonal situations are more likely to communicate assertively. So the good news is this means that assertiveness is a skill that can be learnt and practised over time.
Additionally, neuroscientific research highlights the importance of maintaining a balance between empathy and boundaries. Assertiveness requires activating the brain’s prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking, while managing the emotional responses of the amygdala. This balance enables individuals to communicate in a way that is both thoughtful and compassionate.
Recommendations for Assertive Communication
If you’re ready to leave people pleasing behind and embrace assertive communication, here are my top evidence-based strategies to get started:
Define Your Boundaries
Begin by identifying your values and limits. What is important to you? What are you willing to tolerate, and what are your non-negotiables? Understanding these will help you communicate boundaries clearly and confidently. For example, if you value work-life balance, be explicit about when you’re available for work-related tasks and when you’re not.
Use “I” Statements
Assertive communication focuses on taking ownership of your feelings and needs without blaming others. Phrases like “I feel overwhelmed when…” or “I need more clarity on…” convey your message without sounding accusatory. This approach fosters collaboration rather than defensiveness.
Practise Saying ‘No’
Saying ‘no’ can feel uncomfortable, but it’s a crucial aspect of assertiveness. Practise polite but firm ways to decline requests, such as, “I appreciate you asking, but I’m unable to take that on right now.” Or my favourite…. “I would love to help but if I say yes to that it means I have to say no to something else”. Remember, saying no to one thing allows you to say yes to what truly matters.
Stay Calm and Composed
Assertiveness requires emotional regulation. If you’re feeling nervous or frustrated, take a moment to breathe deeply and ground yourself before responding. Staying calm ensures that your message is received as thoughtful rather than reactive.
Seek Feedback and Support
Developing assertiveness is an ongoing process and requires plenty of practice. Ask trusted colleagues or mentors for feedback on your communication style, and consider attending workshops or training sessions to strengthen your skills (hint: contact me to learn more about my assertive communication training) . Practising in a supportive environment can boost your confidence.
Setting Boundaries in the Workplace
Boundaries are the backbone of assertive communication.
When leaders model healthy boundaries, they encourage their teams to do the same. This not only prevents burnout but also fosters a culture of respect and efficiency. For instance:
- Time Boundaries: Encourage employees to prioritise high-impact tasks and say no to unnecessary meetings. Protect your own schedule by blocking out time for focused work.
- Role Boundaries: Clarify expectations around roles and responsibilities to avoid confusion and overcommitment. Ensure team members know what they’re accountable for and what they can delegate.
- Emotional Boundaries: Be mindful of emotional labour. While it’s important to show empathy, leaders are not therapists. Create spaces for team members to share concerns while directing them to appropriate resources when necessary.
The Ripple Effect of Assertiveness
When leaders communicate assertively and set boundaries, the benefits extend beyond individual productivity. Teams become more cohesive, conflicts are resolved more effectively, and workplace morale improves. Employees feel empowered to voice their ideas and concerns, leading to greater innovation and collaboration.
My Journey to Assertiveness
Reflecting on my own journey, I’ve seen how embracing assertiveness has transformed not only my professional relationships but also my personal sense of fulfilment. By setting boundaries and communicating with clarity and care, I’ve been able to focus on what truly matters, both for myself and for the teams I work with.
If you’ve ever felt trapped in the cycle of people pleasing, I encourage you to take the first step towards assertive communication. It’s not about changing who you are—it’s about honouring your values and creating space for your best work to shine.
Final Thoughts
Assertive communication and boundary-setting are not just skills; they’re leadership imperatives. For business leaders, fostering these practices can lead to workplaces that are not only more productive but also more harmonious and fulfilling.
So, ask yourself: Are you communicating in a way that is clear, fair, and caring? If not, what’s stopping you? Perhaps it’s time to let go of people pleasing and step into the power of assertiveness. Your team—and your wellbeing—will thank you.
If you want help with building healthy assertive communication behaviours in your team, I can help! Let’s talk.
